Holiday season for many people = family time.
Holiday season for me = phone lighting up with “Can you squeeze me in? I’m about to lose it at dinner.”
If you want a fast, brutally effective way to discover your emotional buttons, skip the retreat and go home.
No therapist, meditation cushion, or silent retreat will expose your blind spots faster than the people who helped install them. 😄
Family gatherings are the Olympics of emotional triggers.
And that’s actually good news.
Because where triggers were formed is often where they can be identified most clearly.
And once you identify them, half the work is already done.
Anger Isn’t the Enemy
I often invite clients to think of anger like fire.
Fire is useful.
It keeps us warm.
It cooks the food that everyone will argue about anyway.
But a wildfire is still fire — and it’s destructive.
Anger works the same way.
Contained, it’s information.
Escalated, it’s damage control waiting to happen.
And how that fire is managed?
That part is on us.
Anger Has a Job
In its early stage, anger has an adaptive purpose.
It shows up to tell you:
a boundary was crossed
a frustration is real
a need wasn’t expressed
The issue is not feeling anger.
The issue is letting it hijack the room.
What keeps anger alive is rarely what Mom or Dad said, or Aunt Maria or Uncle John’s comment.
What fuels it are the thoughts we attach to the moment.
👉 Situations may trigger anger, but irrational thoughts keep it going.
That’s why two people can hear the same comment — and only one needs a walk around the block.
Step 1: Recognize It (Before You “Become” It)
Notice:
when the irritation starts
what set it off
how it shows up in your body
👉 Anger is an emotion, not a character flaw.
Ignoring it doesn’t make you calm — it makes you explosive later.
Step 2: Identify the Real Cause
Ask yourself:
Is this reaction proportional to this moment?
Or is this accumulated stress, exhaustion, and a long year finally speaking?
Often, today’s anger is carrying yesterday’s unpaid emotional bills.
Step 3: Watch the Thoughts (They Add Fuel)
Common holiday thoughts include:
“This shouldn’t be happening.”
“They always do this.”
“I cannot tolerate this.”
Try reframing:
Instead of
“This shouldn’t be happening to me,”
try
“This happens to others too — and I can handle it.”
👉 This doesn’t excuse behavior.
It prevents emotional escalation.
Step 4: Regulate the Body First
Anger shows up in the body before it shows up in words:
clenched jaw
shallow breathing
tense shoulders
sudden urge to “say something”
That’s your cue to pause.
Breathe.
Move.
Step away if needed.
A regulated body gives your prefrontal cortex (the part responsible for thinking, not reacting) a chance to come back online.
Step 5: Shift Toward Solutions
Ask:
What’s actually in my control here?
What response helps me long-term?
Not every trigger deserves a reaction — some deserve boundaries, distance, or silence.
Step 6: Express Needs, Not Attacks
Anger needs expression, not suppression.
Healthy expression is:
calm
clear
direct
respectful
Talk about how you feel in response to a situation, not about who someone is as a person.
👉 Assertive anger protects relationships — and your nervous system.
Anger doesn’t need to be eliminated.
It needs to be regulated.
When you stop fighting anger and start listening to it,
it becomes information — not destruction.
And yes… family is still family.
But now you have tools. 😄
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